I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
