I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
