just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
