I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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