I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Everyone says I win the strip club
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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