you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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