i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
