Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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