My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
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and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
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As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Also, beer. Big fan.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
im on a boat
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