So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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