Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
You smell like stripper and shame
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
