Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
