I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
