Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
