I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
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Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
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You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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