I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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