the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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