hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
