Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
