So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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