Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
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Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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