It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
