John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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