I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
