you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
