Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Those nachos came to me in a dream
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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