He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
