70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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