My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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