new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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