I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I have tasted many bathrooms
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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