Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet