just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.