Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
