My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
