I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
