Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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