Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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