i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
