youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
