just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
