at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
