Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
