the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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