im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
