im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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