there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
