You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
