so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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