If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
