He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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