Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
