you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I will pee on everything he values.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
