i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
