I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
